You tell me, God.

Living a Chrsitian life is so hard. Very, very hard.

On top of that God expects everyone to be like him. And that is not possible. Still St.Paul insists that we always strive to do so.

Why would anyone ever be a Christian if it is so tough? Why would anyone want to believe Jesus is the Saviour and accept him in their heart if most of the things that are going to happen in Christian life is tough? Things like forgiving, forgiving and forgetting, reconciliation, loving in spite of being hurt, loving the person who hurt you, loving another person as much as you love yourself, including your emeny (if you have one). And when troubles come Jesus doesn't readily, or otherwise appear and hold your hand. You are expected to believe that He never leaves you because you are His own creation and "a masterpiece made to do good works." (Eph 2:10)
Do You have an answer , God? Yes, there is peace that passeth all understanding. There is the love through people, there is the grace to go through any trouble (at the end of which you wonder how did I even survive?), there are other loving people, yes, there are all the blessings in the form of a nice house good food, great youth group and friends there, great books to read, nice family, email and internet, music and all of it, paani puri...hmmm...
I have all that too, eh? Yes, I'd like to still complain because I don't know why you bring about trouble in the form of following all that You want me to do. Can't you make life just perfect as it is promised to be in heaven?Why not make it good for all? And sit back an relax? You wouldn't even have to listen to all those prayers and music people offer You. Why all that from ol' sinful earth? Why not make it clean with a Word, just like you created heaven and earth? Why do You bring trouble upon yourself? Why make Yourself sad by seeing all thr trouble of the people You created? Why let them be exploited? Why not just banish Satan and evil and make it non-existent? What are you doing there? Why so much time for deliverance? Trust, faith, yes. But why? Eh?

The bride

There he stood clean shaven, wearing his glasses.
"You look 'decent'!",I told him
"Yeah, Seniors and ragging... Come she's standing there near the car."
We walked towards the bride to be who was bending into the car searching for the wedding invites on the back seat.
"Can't find it, where did it go?!" She asked herself after saying hi.

We talked for quite some time about her future plans, life and studies in architecture, post marriage travel plans, Patch's college life and the good food he gets there (Ice creams, non-veg everyday...). We talked like we had always met up to talk for years, yet it was just the 5th time I had met her in 2 years. A person who just needed to know whether I, a big brother, would be around, to stay back late for a common programme for her sister to be part of it. Phone calls ringing with enquiries out of responsibility and concern for her young one. A person with a lot of responsibility in the form of studies, work, a house, a sister, personal life, yet very small in stature. She was going to step into another life, becoming a bride and a wife. I could see the child in her yes looking at me as she spoke. Even Patch seemed older to her. But there was an exuding confidence which was nearly shining as she spoke about the travel plans to Goa, Gulf, Trivandrum, Bangalore and back. She was brimming with expectation, like any happy bride-to-be.

God bless!

They gave me a fabulously crafter wedding invitation, which was ellaborately designed. And off went the brother and sister. Patch said he'll call when he gets a new number, as he'd lost his phone...

Everything seemed so unreal and like a dream. The way I was connected to those 2 two people can't be explained. Yet they have a significant impact on me.
And Patch will call when he gets the new number.

I am sleepy. No more black coffee. At least for a couple of days

It's nearly 4 pm and I am very very very sleepy. There is a class which I love attending, but I don't think I will be up the whole time, because my eyes are already feeling heavy.
I will watch Kung-fu Panda when I get home. I am tired because I sat up like an idiotchanging the colour of fonts within a word in my powerpoint presentation slides. That went on til 4 am.
No wonder.

As I do when I sit up late, I asked Aunty for some coffee so that I could stay up. Drank the whole flask over the night and all that balck coffee is rumbling in my stomach. It's a burnt up feeling. Nothing left in the stomach. The Black Coffee washed it all away, away, away...

What a wonder. 12 hours ago I was sitting in front of a borrowed lap top working slides and 12 hours later, still in front of a computer.
I feel like having a coffee now.

Wonder why I even wrote this post.

Rock On : Some layers and their meaning

Image courtesy: http://rockon.bigadda.com/cast-crew.html

ROCK ON: My part of the movie

Last night I watched ‘Rock On’, a Hindi film on life surrounding music, how music figures in and out, in different lives and different circumstances.

I loved the part of the movie where Joe, the lead guitarist’s and his wife’s life. I still feel she a had a reason to be displeased with his choice to go back and practice with the band, when he had an offer to do something that would bring up the family from the tight financial state and give a future for their son. His wife had made compromises for ten years and he still did not have a proper job and I feel it was his responsibility to take up the job, which she had laboriously arranged. She had good reason to go and talk to Aditya, who was in a well off state and had nothing to lose whether they got back as a band to play or not.

But the catch comes when Rob, who’s wish is to have a bang back as a band together, with his quickly deteriorating state due to fore brain tumour looms large. But what about ten years of Joe’s wife’s life? Where’s his responsibility, Dharma, purpose? Does it altogether meet at some point?

The movie has a thread regarding making compromises in life, running throughout the movie. Who can compromise? Whose compromise is valued? Does someone’s compromise matter in front of your desires? Does family come first or ambition? Some might say both can go hand in hand. The question, then, would be whose hands they are. Because unlike in movies, real life need not make circumstances coincide with each other so easily. Each one has his own situation and circumstance. Each one is in a place where He/she has been put in. It’s up to you to do your best in that circumstances, in such a way that your everyone is able to compromise on some things and hold on to some things. How much of each of that, is something there is no set answer to. That needs to be figured out by the human beings, who have equal rights, involved.

To complicate it further, one could try to find out where love fits in to this. Can love wipe away all the things lost by compromise? Can the compromise be overcome/ shadowed by love? What about years of compromise? So what, then, are relationships all about? Which makes the compromise? How much should /can/ must each partner compromise? Can they decide it in/through love? Really? Or do you just let life take over and let it flow? Do I sense apathy there?

The movie is multi-layered and each aspect could generate thousands of questions and that is what I like about it.

Walking on faith, disappointment and anger in the crunch

When the world economy went on a crunch, surprisingly its reflected in my life too.
For over a month, I had no money of my own. The worst economic crunch that had hit me. Every single day was a walk of faith. No paani puri, not even coffee, because you would be functioning on borrowed money. There would be not single currency note in my wallet. The function of the wallet was redefined to be a holder of identity cards, a bus pass and and ATM card with no money in the account, besides the driving license which was grossly obese compared to its wallet mates.
I would walk praying to God asking if it was a punishment. I would pray for money to land from somewhere. Sometimes, he budged. But after that grace period, I slumped backed in to economic depression.
I stopped the occassional Guava outside the college though I would be hungry. I would not have a coffee in between the long boring hours of 'Assessment', because 4 bucks began to feel like luxuory.
Friends? Yes, Chinpol, was my lender but there was a limit to which I would ask her, and she is the only one I am comfortable to ask. Earlier it was my true friend Swati who's pursuing her management studies in an old Portuguese colony. She's not around. The point is that I don't like being in debt. But when it comes to photocopying notes and whole text books, which would cost a bomb in in actually buying the original book, money was needed and that's when I would turn to Chinpol. She would never act weird.
Yes, I have a huge discomfort when it comes to asking for money. Only because I don't want to be begging people.
And the last thing I want to hear at that moment would be: "You want cash? I'll give you. "
No thanks.
I haven't reached that stage yet. I will let you know when I start begging.

And these thoughts would sometimes invade my mind like the whites who invaded native Indian settlements in America. It would end up in a battle. These battles would be in the mind, while I'm in the class, or on my walks back home from the bus, or when somebody presses the wrong button during a conversation.

I don't want to go through this again. It is a painful. To me it is shameful.
And I don't like hidden favours. I hate them and they make me feel even more undignified and like a refugee in a foreign land.
Not to bad mouth my parents. There is a limit to which they can send every month. And when that is over and there are more legitimate and mostly unforeseen circumstances, this is the story. I don't want to tell them. Even if I did, I'll feel bad. Not like there was much to send. Just for the basic needs. Thank you, you guys. And I hate some aunties who press money into your hands when no one is looking, making me feel like dignified charity acceptance.

The things I learnt from the economic crunch are many:
1. Money plays quite a big role in my life. I'm surprised at how much I let that control me.
I learnt to keep money from going beyond the place it deserves in my life.
2. When you have absolutely no money, this time, and when you pray is when you don't get any diseases which would entail huge hospital bills; you don't meet with accidents; you don't have to pay for a burnt house or buy new clothes due to some disaster.
You just learn to live on faith and be happy with what you have.
3. Count your blessings. I am way better off than the children on the streets with food to eat and food available three times a day. What if I can't have a coffee? I have lunch packet, which most of them don't have. Now that's luxuorious. I'm feeling guilty already.
4. There are somethings in life you just can't tell people about, however close you are. It could be money or any such thing. I didn't feel like telling anyone except my brother (who shares the crunch with me) and God, that time. Now I'm out of it and that I have changed my perspectives, I can tell anyone.
It was hell of an experience. Literally.
5. You could have loads of books, a CD player, good shoes, plenty of clothes, three times food a day, great friends, close family, musical abilities, and still not have a single penny in your pocket, for weeks on end. Nobody will ever come to know.
I'm glad that no one did at that time, because I just didn't want to.
6. I've learn that the few coins one spends on stuff on the road once in a while can be a big amount at the end of the month.
7. Trust God. What he teaches you through experience is never learn by speaking, hearing, reading.
It's learnt only through living. He cares, He provides, He protects.
8. You cannot live without the help of others no matter how independent you want to be.

How many more of these lessons are left to learn in life?
I'd rather live them than read about them.



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Pic courtesy :
1. http://www.onelostcoin.org/coinimg/coin2.jpg
2. http://www.freefoto.com/images/04/28/04_28_22---One-Penny-Coin_web.jpg

The afternoon I longed for: But it's the a wrong place.

I longed for a free afternoon where I could sit and mail my friends or read books on psycho- therapy.
I got it.
But I was at the wrong place.

Depression, in and out.

She stood there next to Tom. I shy smile on her face, as she listened to we guys blabbing away about Bangalore Bands and the recent rock shows. She didn't seem to be on familiar ground yet didn't seem to mind either.
Bouts of depression come by to her and she takes medicines. But she falls back into it. Medication alone never helps, psychology as taught me that much.
What could be the reason behind it? What made her depressed the first time? When did it reach a state where she had to take professional help? Was there no one she could speak to and trust? Wasn't there anyone who could provide a conducive environment to bring her out of it?
In times like ours when every one is busy chasing happiness, sadness is the very thing one wants to avoid. Or is it a scared run-away from it, what is termed as the pursuit of happiness?


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Pic:
http://www.turbophoto.com/categories.php?keyword=sad+woman&cat_id=&pages=229&case=search&human=1&x=0&y=0

tired of blogger

The inside of blogger is tiring. It is monotonous. It doesn't spark creativity. It is dead. But I'm not. Blogger, make it more interesting around here!
(courtesy:http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/1614/PreviewComp/SuperStock_1614R-10689.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/1614R-10689&h=350&w=350&sz=63&hl=en&start=16&usg=__SsRQYswlUanz7jUA6b6ZsYszrCI=&tbnid=uq7tZBMzgo3HdM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=120&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtired%2Byouth%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

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by product of the conf on climate change: out of focus

I am sitting in  front of the gate of a former tibetan Budhist monastery and typing away on my frined's lap top, chilling out. Not particulraly a good idea considering that one is in Himachal Pradesh and the  climate is cold.`I'm here with the editor of Down to earth magazine and another journalist, with John Lee Hooker hooking away on his guitar in the background. I'm sitting on a tar road, with no rug or mat. This is called heights of craziness.`Never been in this place here, so checking out what it's like to`"be here".

Bangalore blasts

we got the message while sitting at a Clinical case conference.
As of now 3:45 pm, there have been 7 blasts that's rocked around bangalore . And most of them near Christ college. all students are safe and not being let out of the campus for safety reasons. Latest news, the gates are open.
It's terror.
But there's singing practice for next week intra college competitions going on... people standing at the kiosk having coffee.. people calling up their parents ... many not getting network on airtel, and hutch .. spice network is working.
Why do people have to kill!

We stay united no matter what, whoever blasted. we will be as resilient as the Rajashthan people. We students, though, from different places and don't belong to B'lore will stay together and will not suspect each other. we will support each one of our fellow indians and keep the spirit and fight the evil forces.

Y knot.

Being a blessing, Needs hard work and humility

Music needs practice. And when you take time for music it turns out to be something blessed for the people who listen to those who play or sing. That's when you begin to feel like a dwarf in front of people who have spent time, rather taken time off to practice so that those who listen would be blessed.
I attended an evening service at the Christian Medical College Chapel a Bagayam. the service was beautiful, giving all praise to God and the choir, a breathtaking host (too small a group to use that word, still) of singers accompanied by a graceful pianist. The songs took a metaphysical tone once they started and all were led to praise God. I like to believe that, because I was.
Dr. Sujith Chandy, the choir master led the singing and read out one of the songs with the title, "Everyone needs Jesus". Besides a choir master, skilled and tasteful pianist, he is a humble and helpful man. We owe our internship to him since he was great help. His brother has been a blessed musician and my Guru. Sons of a priest. Yet another inspiring aspect about them.

The message was delivered by a surgeon who had no airs of being one and quite surprisingly gave a message summed up this way:

God created us to be a blessing rather than to be a popular person. That's why he created us and put us at the place we are. When we think fame and glory, we become arrogant.

It i in broken-ness that we are secure not in feverish effort to take control.
It is in being vulnerable that we find relationships.

People with great professions. Professional excellence. But none of that shown. Instead, hard work and lessons of humility.

Way to go, Y knot. you are not meant to be popular, but a blessing. I accept that.

rooting for fruiting

The youth camp was such a refresher. I hadn't gone for a camp for such a long time. It had been really long since I laughed so much with my friends. I must admit that I felt realy accepted and very much part of our youth group when they took liberties to pull a fast one at me very often, be it anybody. The boys, especially, were really cool and were wiling to get 'heard' for the stupid things they were doing and yet be friends with me. Another highlight of the fun part is nobody made me feel "so older than us" as I was being one among all. There was no difference. We played, messed around with each other and were still serious about Christian life. I loved it. But the drawback for which even I am responsible is that except one or two, our church frineds, including me hardly mixed up with people from other churches - something I had been vociferously opposing and disliking at other camps. This time, I was in and stayed in the group, except for the few but very good friendships I made. It neary felt like a parish camp to me, where I felt the need to get closer to my folks, so that certain things can be driven across, while even I kept learning various dimensions to the very principles I highlighted.And we played some awesome footbal. I realised my capabilities as a forward (Specially because of low stamina compared to others due to lack of play). We fought hard. he first day we lost 3-5. The second day, we change the strategy to ATTACk-ATTACk-ATTACk. We won 3-0 hands down. With some practie we can be a seasoned team as we coordinate so well on field. Spiritually, we dug our roots deeper. And that's what the camp what the camp was all about - Rooting for fruiting.

For the li'l one to know

It's been kinda weird off late. But then one thing I'm sure about is, we'll come out off it. Let it pass. I have faith. Stay the same. Don't worry.

Don't comment on this. : )

Sneaking in the library

Our library in the institution has setup (Since Jan) two computers for what they call "Quick reference". As all things that come free with this institution, there's this characteristic, traditional and inherently negative warning stuck next to the monitor, which I am not going to bother to write down here. Anyway, I think one's not supposed to browse, check email or chat (which is disabled like all other Java apps). What else do you do on the net? Yes, research. And Blog. Both haven't been mentioned here so it's cool. Planning to do this till the Librarian bothers to get and come to me and shout, usually without a clearcut reason posed in an indirect manner which English speakers call Sarcasm.I must vouch for one thing. The keys on the keyboard are so smooth that I feel like I am not making any typos.

The best friend who went crazy

Now he's out on the limb. It's not the pooint of no return yet, but, he's getting a slow rush in the heart.
And it's sad that another friend read what I wrote about him and misinterpreted it. Shame on you.
If you want to talk about what you are going through, I am ready. I'll be there.

Remembering about writing

I just purposely took a look at a brown paper covered book in which I used to write stuff. It lay among the many books which lay on my table like the compulsive shoppers at the Mall. Just there, thinking that they were actually satisfying themselves os someone else... I used to write stuff. Just stuff. What I felt like, what inspired me etc. My poems , my short stories which were terribly short...
I realised that I hadn't written anything creative in the past 8 months. Of course a couple of rap verses, but no prose, no poem. I had a lot of inspiration and and a lot of thoughts, But I really did not get the time. I am honest. Some say if you really wanted it , you coulod make time. I agree... may be it wasn't a priority, or may be I didn't want it as badly as I wanted to breathe (analogy courtesy: Socrates).

I sat on the bed with the book .
I had been reading everyuthing else but my text books for the past pone week - since the time I had got study holidays.
So I sat to write. And I wrote. I wrote about what I want to write.
I wrote that I had not written in a long while.
I wrote what I felt.

Felt good to write again. I am not a great writer. But I write. Who can stop me?

By the way, the largest number of posts were posted on my blog in 2007. Perhaps there is a correlation?
No.

U.R. enlightening

When Prof. U.R. Ananthamurthy spoke, on college day, many people sat talking, inside the auditorium. Many complained of his incoherence. But what I loved was his flow from one thought to the other. His thought pattern was like a cool breeze. The impression I had about him, which was formed from the time he argued for re-christening banmgalore into Bengalooru, the local langugae (Kanada) equivalent, was that of a progressive social reformer with a conservative edge.

But when he spoke on Monday, the 10th of March, his words had a sort of coolness to it. Wisdom flowing from a wise man.I was learning. I sat and listened to him, trying to catch every word over the mumbling and grumbling of the MBA students sitting in front of me.
The following are some of the thoughts which struck me most:]

• Wisdom appears passive
• In order to stay young, it is important to be humble. Then there will be, always, something yet to learn, yet to know, yet to experience, yet to be reached
• One must learn to be quiet within oneself. It makes you more productive and enrich you.
• Thinking, reflecting, debating, etc. are important things in life, or else you'll just be toeing someone else's line.
• We have multiple identities (like student, son, a software engineer, a Maharashtrian, a poonawalla, an Indian, etc.) which are continuous. All that is part of the same person and ought to be respected that way. That's were growth, development, exchange, peace, etc. prevails.
• One needs to stay rooted where he is ,and yet be progressive and modern in his/her approach

Mr. U.R., thank you for coming and letting your thoughts flow.

Thank you Lord.

Thank you Lord for
Thanks for the compassion, the ever surrounding love, the care, the smiles and nudges.
The wake up calls, assurances, faith, hope, belief which is beyond belief, maturity.
The knowledge and passion for you. The talent, calmness, simplicity and the beauty that comes through it. Thank you for the gift though I don't deserve. For the resolve in times, good and bad. For the clinging on even when things go rough.
You know it best. Your plans rock, although they may not seem great in the beginning.
I'm in awe of you.
വളരെ നന്ദി.

Best friend going crazy

this guys gone nuts over this girl n the worst part is she's in a relationship with another guy. It's alright, this guy is successfully wooing her. David and Uriah? May be a bit too far fetched. No, not at all. this guy is crazy. I'm speaking to him write now and he's watching me type. He's got his reasons, which are all clever as he is. I'll whack you, man. Leave the girl and him alone. Find another girl. there are so many around. I'll help you. He's still laughing. Can you hear him?