stand up and breathe

Surprises me to find that I haven't been to el profesors blog for a long time. Surprises me that sis wrote such a sweet poem for... Surprises me that there's nearly no time to blog. Surprises me that I got back to reading books.

I'm worried what sis is feeling. Worried that I'm not able to practice with BHL. Worried about Research methods and Bio Psych exams, though they are over a month away. Worries me that I still haven't achieved or stuck to my goal for the academic year. Worried that no one is able to see Christ Through me coz a good life is not being led. Worried that I'm angry so quickly. Worried that there is no balance in the phone. Worried that I can't talk to her face to face or over the phone.

Glad that there's a living God. That Sovereign God is in control of everything. Let me stand up and breathe.

Blogging away

As many of you might agree, running a blog when you don't have an internet connection of your own can be a drag affair. Running to a cafe every time you derive inspiratiopn. The problem aggravates when you don't have a computer either. May be this speaks about my dying passion for blogging. Not that nobody at all reads this blog. It's just that time - something very elusive - needs to be spent on it. You need to have the energy when you have those lovely ideas and thoughts, to type them down and then load it up. Is this the marker of the death of a 5 year old blog?
Ding dong,
ding dong,
ding, ding, ding ding ding ding ding ding...
The death knell sounds.

Or am I reading too much into it?

letting the candle shine

Letting the candle shine

 

 

 

( date: 2 weeks ago)

My sister called me. She sounded very angry and frustrated. I had never heard so angry before, so I wondered what could have caused this possible outburst. It was something that had happened during the day which caused her to "burst her top" like this. I did not ask her to calm down but let her narrate everything.

The story was nothing simple, though it would have warranted stern request to calm down from her closest friends. On the face of it, the story could e simply thrown off as frustration and venting out. But there was something much deeper too it. Really deep. Through t all, I could see my reflection in it floating through the story. An image which gave me difficulty in deciding whether it belonged to her or me. It was an image with both minds fused together. The same thought, the same philosophy, the same pain in seeing that nobody wanted to make difference when the power lay in their hands, the same ache and guilt of having power but being unable to take a positive step with it… Was it I or her in the image? Was it her story or mine?

Is there a realm where minds are collective? Are there sub realms where some minds are grouped together?

It was not a story of giving up her power or authority, but one of trust and holding on to ones principles, no matter whatever it took. She could not embrace something that went against her conviction. She stood for it. She knew the responsibility given to her. She knows. She works hard. She's in the thick of things. But after having done her responsibilities, her opinion was overridden. No, this is not ego. She has accommodated it many times. But this time it is crucial. I don't think anyone in the office knows the job better than her, solely because she's at the helm of things and makes sure everything happens smoothly. So she knows everyone, deals with every one. People on top needn't know everyone. So she's given the job. I don't know why the top brass does not come out of the cocoon. My be it's security and an unwillingness to take a risk. 'Better to use the tried and tested'.

 True. Fine. But they are in the groups. Just that another person is given an opportunity to be tried and tested today.

She argued, fought and was respected for her arguments. No girl stood before the Top and argued and went away to come back. But Top knows her and has seen her and probably knows that in quite a long time, it is going to be difficult to get somebody as efficient and dedicated to the job as her. But he could be scared. He could be worried. But that does not let her compromise her principles. She stands for them. Even when she thinks she's alone. She's strong and she's grown stronger in the past year.

I don't know if she knows, but it's amazing how I see myself in her many times. And I love her. Not because I see myself in her, but because she is a woman of substance. There is hardly any of her kind when I pass through life's roads. And I respect her for that, love her for that. Stand strong, lady. As long as I can, I'll be around. God bless you, my sister.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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To take a stand and keep your back straight.

I heard a story of indecent behaviour. It was a a continuation of the same story of which one of my friends had to say. A disastrous shameless tale of exploitation. And when it comes to men of God, they're featuring in the news more and more today. I hope this one teaches them a lesson.

"Men of God" should not touch a woman with wrong intentions. I don't care what their take is, but it is wrong and it is shameless when they continue to do it over the years.
Many stories, or may be all of them have been swept under the carpet. I hope this one doesn not and that proper action will be taken. It needs to be taken.
Women's voices should be heard ut loud - to bring out the hyppocricy, ofthe men behind excellence and Service.

I support you women and am planning to do something about it.

The restructuring

In the attempt to give a new look to my blog, I forgot to save my pals' links to their blogs. I've been working on this blog like that from the time my blog got its new Pyjamas.
Today I sat, tracked down and added all my favourite blog addresses. I had felt out of touch.
Today I feel more complete than yesterday.
Keep in touch guys.

Agreeing with Shaggy

Being in a class full of girls and just another boy besides me wasn't the tough job which I thought it to be. The semester was a lot of fun, though I miss being with a couple of guys and doing boys kinda stuff.
But 'em girls can put a smile on your face, you know. They're all very funny people.

It was study hols preceding the sem exams and noone from class had messaged me in a long time after the practical exams. 'That's why you need to have boys in class so that you could keep calling or get calls', I said to my self. I also suspected that everyone was deeply immersed in their photocopies of the exam portions that no one had time to even care for a boy in class. The other guy, the Holy father, at the end of the week texted me and I became very happy. He was sharing the same fate as me and was in, perhaps, a situtation worse compared to mine.

Then I came to college one day and met many of my class mates. Some of the reactions (to me and amongst themselves, loudly)
"Why are you looking so tensed? Don't worry..."
"Poor thing he's lost so much weight, what happened to you ?"
"I think it's because he shaved of his French beard, he's looking weaker."
"No, I think he looks nice with the clean face."
"How can he lose weight? He's already under weight. He can't lose anymore."

One of my juniors to whom I was talking, heard this and gave me a look which said, "Now I know what happens in class."

I was very amused. Found it very funny that they noticed and talked about my weight. Did they actually care about all this? It felt very nice. That morning one of the mates called from Chennai saying that she was forgetting everything she'd learnt and whether I displayed the same symptoms (Exam induced Amnesia, I suspect).

Women. I really find it difficult to understand them. Still a mystery.

Into the skin of sports

It was such a joy to have gone on a pinic last week. It had been ages since I had gone for one and felt it was a welcome break. Youth from church is an awesome bunch to go with. We played a variety of sports from morning till lunch and a for a while in the afternoon.

One of the things that struck me most was the commitment and enthusiasm Mary (her beautiful name changed here) showed towards the sports that we were playing. While many girls did play and worked hard to win points to their respective teams, Mary was all out there, yelling, screaming, asking for passes, running endlessly, passing on tactics to team mates, falling down and getting back up... she was in the thick of it. A true sports person. I had not seen someone like that in a long while. Some one, who would at that age be so active and give her best in to the sport. It was a joy to watch her play. Never giving up, never showing her tiny bruises to anyone and crying for sympathy...no. Mary was just playing her game. She further brightened my already lit up day.

When she fiinished a match of Koko, I called her and gave her a hug and said, 'Keep it up; it's a joy to watch you play.' She smiled and went off to drink water.
It was Mary. A girl who challenged every stereotype about how a girl should be while playing sports. A girl who didn't think that she had to be quiet and in the sides of a game, in which a lot of boys were roughing it out. She fought. Fought like a woman, with dignity and courage and never kept quite.She pushed, thugged, perspired and played her game, very fairly. The best part is that she never cared who the opponent was. She was a player, and she played and never cared who came her way.

Thank you for inspiring me.

For the fire foxes who love music

http://www.foxytunes.com/

Gasping till you breathe

No time. Not time to study. No time to read books. No time to enjoy the breeze. No time to read the Bible and Our Daily Bread. Not time to pray, or too tired to, by the end of the day. Not time to read editorials. No time for a movie (1 hour 40 minutes is too long to waste). Just enough time to sleep but still sleepy. No time to sit on facebook. No time for chatting. No time to surf the net. No free time but only practicals records to complete. No time to Xerox notes. No time to read computer magazines. No time read current affairs. No time to draw, no time to sketch. No time to read comic books. Interesting articles pending, piled up ion my bed. No time to clean the room .Tired. When do I relax. Am I relaxing too much. No time for social service. No time to go stitch my suit. No time to complete a book. No patience. In the middle of that comes a free hour. teacher absent.

Don't know what to do. I waste time.
I can't complete my work. I hardly make it on time to class. I'm tired of travelling by bus. I hate those stares and whispers when I jump the wall to the resdidential complex, an easier route to the bus stop. I hate the extra time that travelling by bus takes; and all those stamping of dirty shoes on my newly pressed trousers. No time to completely give to church. No time to email. No time to speak on the phone because its taking the time belonging to something else. No time and I am not gasping for breath. Because I don't know what to do when free time suddenly appears in front of you.

Life. I am confused.

Pasta and White sauce

The other day, my friend from class offered me a bit if Pasta which she proudly said she had made. It was covered in White sauce, which she had, again, made herself (I asked her that because I was curious). It was simply delicious and I really loved it. Knowing that she is a very nice girl, I asked her to make some for me and bring it one day for lunch. She sweetly agreed. But a thought struck me. I was very impressed at her cooking skills. She's my age and already knows how to make stuff like this. "Where am I?", I thought to myself. Do I know to make anything like that? Where did she learn it from? Some days back I could hear a couple of girls in my class express how they loved baking cakes. I just don't know what proportion of sugar and butter to use, how much baking powder, what the heat should be, etc. When did they learn all this?

I am certainly not jealous. I truly appreciate stuff like this, even if the cooking went a bit bad. Just the fact that they were able to make something makes me happy too.

Just that... when will I ever learn all this? Simple things like baking a cake, stiching buttons on my own shirt, making some white sauce, being really good at something...?
It is kind of agonising when you realise time is flying past and that it is a short life and if you didn't have time till now, perhaps you never will.

In the meanwhile, I shall look forward to eating some more of Pasta and white sauce which she will bring me for lunch.

Praxis

Praxis

Welcome folks. The librarian, perhaps, led you here.
Its alright. The librarian led me here, too.

Congratulating the Praxis team for bringing out yet another edition of tireless effort in printed form. Keep the spirit up. Never give in.

If it's not power, then use print, or just words. And no one can stop us. (Guess I borrowed the last line from a movie)

If you want to read more on stuff like the "Librarian of the library of liberty", just press the label under this post and you will see the magazine which was never published on paper.

Cheers!

If you can't shut up, just don't.

D-Blackout

What we performed as a class when we submitted the assignment on theatre: "Black out"
Themes: the pressure felt by students, and alcohol induced abuse in families.
Borrowed Idea and rhythm from the song "this is why I'm hot" by MIMS

This is Why I Blackout
This is Why I Blackout
This is Why I Blackout
This is why, This is why,
This is Why I Blackout

I Blackout 'coz i'm tired
You don't 'coz you're not
This is why, This is why,
This is Why I Blackout

I blackout inmy class
I blackout right at home
I blackout 'coz I'm always strictly
Following the norms
I'mnot black but I'm out
And I really wanna shout
This is why, This is why,
This is Why I Blackout

A quarter and some wine]
Makes me perfectly fine
My image is restored
And I don't care who is cryin'
My family drives me crazy
When I sit down to dine
This is why, This is why,
This is Why I Blackout

(This is why I blackout....)
----------------------------------
Surpisingly and coincidentally, the producers of this song is called 'The Blackout movement"!

details in life

It is just unbelieveable, or rather unexpected when little things in life give you that feeling of calmness, peace and genuine happiness. Sometimes, when they come across, you feel that you have been wasting away your life, by not taking time to enjoy those little details. You have been in a hurry all the time. One thing after the other. Thinking too much.
Worried.
If not worried, then planning the next thing, then not being able to fulfill it.
 Perhaps one should slow down. Certainly, one must do what one must, like carrying out responsibilities; at the same time MAKE time to do something simple. smily simple. Like a couple of people, who really got me thinking by what they did.

One evening I quickly popped in to my friends place on the way to a computer shop with him. His sisters told me about how they'd finished reading  the latest Harry Potter novel . The day they got it through post, they sat togethr and finished it at one go. The way they described it was what made me thinking of enjoying life. "You finished that many pages in a go? " I asked in amazement. " Yes!" they nodded. I asked them how. 'We sat together on the bed and read it together, keeping the book in the middle. We started at 3 pm in the afternoon and finished it next morning at 7 am!" , they giggled. Both of them are doing their MBA's and have a lot to sudy. they also work part time. And tey still managed to do find sometime to enjoy. Of course, it was a saturday and Sunday, but they made time.

Today, I was talking to one of my good friends whom I'd spotted walking with another friend, in the sun. I was talking to a teacher along with my friends whenI spotted them pass by. That afternoon, I asked her where they had been jay-walking in the college campus in the scorching heat. " We went to talk to the geese", she said. There were geese in the farther end of our campus. And she and the other friend had gone to talk to them. I didn't know what talking meant, but it struck me. They took time to just enjoy standing by the geese as, I found out later, they sometimes do. I wouldn't think of doing anything extra liek that during a lunch break I would be busy running around doing something or the other, or just sitting in one place and "relaxing" with the others around. And today, when I saw it, I wondered whether I had lived life to the max, so far.

I need to slow down, and take life easy. Do things when I have to, and enjoy when I can.

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Technology, distance and copy writing

Yesterday, I cam to fully appreciate the technology available to wannabe computer geeks like me.

My friend in a distant country contacted me through her friend saying that she needed a bit of help and that I ought to go online. That was an sms/text message.Thankfully, I was in a camp with a laptop which belonged to the organisation which was hosting the camp. This laptop had a net card enabling the users to use internet on the go. Perfect!
And I agreed to go.

When I met her online, a few minutes from then, she told me that she'd got a job in a company which demanded her to write advertorials! I became very proud of her. She struggled in the beginning with speaking and using colloquial English, while studying here in Inida. In three years, she became a pro. (That's a very inspiring story -never give up and work it off). she wanted me to check the editorial, edit it and suggest changes. No, I am not a preofessional copy writer but I'd some sense of it. I was humbled and accepted to help her. So online, s we chatted through windows messenger, she sent me the file containing her advertorial tvia email and I checked it and asked her question - What did you intend by this line? Who is the target audience? Where is it being put up? - All i real time. She sitting far away but both of us working and editting the same document and making changes real time. I know that technology enabled us to do this long ago, but then something as marvellous as this is a first for me. And I'm glad that I was of some help to that great friend.

From the back end of the book

This is what I wrote at the back end.

The back-end of the book is where I start from
That is because I am too shy, too embarrassed
To say, to show that this is me.
The words I wrote lie in the bin
The songs I write don't see day-light
Goals and expectations were never met
Till today, this soul remains mediocre.
Is it not too late? Or is it worth a try?
Why at all, if everything so far is a failure?
No progress, no sign, no silver lining;
Tunnels, long dark tunnels, as long as what seems eternity.
Here I sing, true to my grey feelings
The ones that always remained in the
shadows. Or is it?

Truth coming out

May be it is the effect of studying how thories of personality were constructed. I have begun to examine my personality more carefully. I have not stepped in to the unconscious yet, but it will happen soon... when I have loads of free time.

But one thing that have decided is to be true to myself. True to my thoughts, true to my feelings, true to what I really am. Remembering a story I read last year as part of the Literature course - A Kitchen in the Corner of the House. What am I when I strip myself off my friends, family, guitar, religion, balding head and the sometimes-confused looks and what others say? What is me? I have not dared to look at it that way, may be because it is a waste of time (At least that's what I thought).

From that totally stripped self, I wrote a piece of a poem in a book. A week later, I read it again and liked it - and that surprised me. Usually, I don't like what I write. But this time there was sense of calm and genuineness. (No, always I did write genuinely about my aspirations and feelings. But this one went deeper in just a few lines).

Let me be true. Let me go deeper and see who I am, within this skin. Let me meet me there. If Me is scared, let me go shake his hand, pat his back and say " What are you afraid of? Haven't you come this far? Isn't the one who brought you this far capable of taking you further? " A question easier to ask than answer.

Let me see.

BLACKOUT

BLACKOUT

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14th June

What an amazing sense of calm. The mind is moving slowly. The temperature at a comfortable level. Its night and I'm leaving all the limitations time has been imposing on me. Absense of friends. Absense of a class. Absense of togetherness. Alone in this room, which has been my shelter for the past two years. Coincidently, today it has become two whole years. Thank God. Grace and mercy has been showered upon me, which makes me forget all the hardships I had to go through. Leaving it all behind. Today's the previous day before the new chapter of my life begins. Today I leave the bachelors course and all the memories attached to it behind. Its no longer reality. It has become an album. The past. History. Something that will be visited. Something personal,at the same time impersonal. I sit. Amazingly, I dont feel bad. I'm surprised at myself. The atmosphere is comfortably 'blind' that even surprise into a non-exciting feeling. A calm acceptance, but not passiveness. Yesterday, another page in the book of my life has been turned. I think I helped pushing the page and turning it in order to get to the new page. I see a table of contents. But it isn't everything. So many things hidden in between the various sections. Let them come. I'll accept them. Go through it. And I'm sure this time, I'll go through the pages thoroughly. 

By li'l sis

 

Funny how things which hurt you the most, teach you the greatest lesson in life. And you want to forget it but because of that learning, you remember it always.

Karan, Coffee, Gere and China

 

When will Indians stop nodding their heads to everything an American says or does without even thinking of what the context is and the implications are, besides making a fool of himself?

All Richard Gere had to say day before yesterday in Coffee with Karan, the celebrity talk show by film director Karan Johar, was unfortunately or fortunately, critique on the Chinese stand on the Tibet and their hard heartedness.

Granted: What is happening is most probably true. Many are suffering, that way under the Chinese. But when he says that India is a happening place today (which he feels for the first time in his relationship with India for 30 years and adds that if India also helped raise the education levels, and uplift the poor, it would become a greater culture especially in South Asia and certainly better than China and stay so for the next 200-300 years(??) To that Karan Johar replies, with a smile of gratitude, "We hope so". We hope so? Who? So when did Richard Gere become a culture evaluator? By what scale is he measuring the greatness of Indian Culture? And what makes us better than China? How can we even compare both countries in matter other than GDP growth? And why in the world does Karan Johar have to pay faithful doggie who is glad to have a bone thrown his way by his owners' friend? So does he believe that India will become better than China, if Richard Gere says so? And who is 'we'? The Bollywood heroes? How many of them can name ten Chinese cities? How many of them can openly speak against the atrocities done by Government in Nandigram? They can't.

But when Mr. Gere blames China and thinks if we can eradicate poverty, we could become a great culture in South Asia – he can nod his head in appreciation of the generous words spoken by an actor from a country who bombarded and mutilated a country and continues to do so, for a reason, which they are still trying to figure – no reason. I'm talking about Iraq. Certainly, American culture, must be "the way" or it atleast  seems that way in Bollywood movies with fresh numbers of "wanna - be" styles being shown, as if typical India had all that.

Atleast in the future, prominent talk show hosts should not endorse the opinions of foreign celebrities, without realizing the ass he would be making of himself, because it is something deeply political, the seriousness of which, in that moment of excitement of having a Hollywood celebrity on the show, may not be fathomed and be misplaced. I don't want to be racist but Mr. Gere is entitled to his opinion, the problem I have is with Indian's   who think that they have to endorse all that they say.

Endnote:  Atleast the foreigners can say what they want o Indian TV and get away with it. Freedom of speech for an Indian and a foreigner. Not in many countries, I must observe "certainly not in China".