The mobile phone. Again.

I need a cell phone. The one I am using belongs to a gracious Leo who appeared at my place late one cold January night. He forced me to use his old phone (since he had bought a new one), instead of mine which was stolen a few days back. The Nokia 5140i and I have been going out for close to a year now, and clearly the battery is giving me head aches. Let's not talk about the battery now.

Now I have saved up a bit and have the choice to buy a very good phone with the usual features and may be a cool but useful feature or two. What eats me now is, how expensive is expensive? It's not that I want to flaunt a chic phone (since I can't afford a smart phone), but I want capabilities like wi-fi access which comes at a price within my saved up treasure. Still that's expensive. Yet I would like it.

Let me check: Am I feeling guilty in wanting that phone? I am not feeling too bad, honestly. I could use the extra for my other needs or save it up for future use, especially since I am going to embark on some more studies. I can even put it in a bank, like my father suggests. Or help people in need. But there wouldn't be much money left for anything else if i buy the phone with a wi-fi connection (it's a touch screen too). I don't know how to wisely use the rest of the money either.

I could buy a lower end phone, with the usual capabilities. Yet, since this is the first phone I am buying myself, my truly first phone, and stays within the amount I possess (all of which needn't be shelled out for the phone, you see), I want to have a good one.

No. 'Good' is subjective. It is a nuanced word and implies different things to different people even within the same family.

My folks' eyes will pop put if they find that I bought a phone for 9300 units of cash. Seeing them I will feel guilty.

Yet, I'd like that phone. Can I see this phone as an investment? Can I save up the money and buy a lap top or my much cherished dream of a macbook, someday? Or will money come again?

My assumption was that my confusions would be cleared if I got enough money to buy a phone. It certainly has not. I have been researching phones to buy with a budget in mind. I was set. I enquired the prices. I did semi-structured interviews with people who were users of the Nokia 5130. Finally, when the piggy bank was broken (a figurative piggy bank), there! Enough for a Samsung star Wi-fi, and the comparitively cheaper Samsung Corby and the even cheaper Samsung Corby TXT. I know the specifications of all the 4 phones, by-heart. But now, I am losing sleep on which one to buy. Money has not solved my problem. In fact, the excess has given me late sleep, too much time researching on the net, fatigue and, perhaps, a balder head (the direct effect has not been scientifically established, in this case).

A cellphone.

Who said the more the choice is, the better life gets?



Picture courtesy:

1. Samsung star wi fi: http://www.vmart.pk/main/images/samsung%20star%20wifi.jpg
2. samsung Corby: http://computer-supports.com/samsung3650corby1.jpg

Giving in, giving away

I guess, sometimes, you just give things away. Not because you want to, but because you don't know what to do with it anymore. Life comes with episodes. Many people in fancy dresses. In disguise.

Why do things and people seem so important at times and not so important later? Is this what life is all about? Why is that one feels dispensable, so easily? Is it really worth the fight? 

I can't say come away with me because there isn't a place I can take you to. Stay with me means discomfort, at times, because you don't want everyone around you all the time. 

What else can I say? What do you do with a friend in happy times? 

Does it get boring? Doesn't it? 

Life can't be so mean. Or should I face up to it?

GPRS settings for tata docomo on sasung star wifi s5233w

Tried different things put up at various forums on the net and this is what finally works on samsung star wi-fi. guess it should be the same for samsung star too.

Set name : (any name you like)

Bearer type: Packet data

Access name: TATA.DOCOMO.INTERNET

auth type: None

Leave user ID and password blank

Protocol: HTTP

Home url : http://divein.tatadocomo.com

Leave proxy address blank

Linger time : (I've left it at default 300 seconds. I'm no expert!)

Go to advance settings from there.
Leave static IP. and local phone IP.

enable static DNS (,/)

Leave both server 1 and server 2 at 0.0.0.0

Leave traffic class at subscribed ( I think that's the default position)

Press Ok

Then press SAVE seen at the bottom.

If you have set up more that one profile, choose the latest one that you just set up.

Got to the browser and try one of your bookmarks or enter a url.

Happy browsing!

Twists and turns

Twists and turns
Twitches at glitches
Past is past
But its ghost is in the future
Be who you are yet who you are
Is a bore;
Since you worry
To worry, and
that creates more worry.
Endless
Restless,
Peaceless,
In.pieces.
Rest and commotion-
Half brothers, they are
There is no lie, but love for the truth
The truth liberates
Mends your wings
Then, there comes peace again
But when that head is turned
The clutter manages again
'O Good and faithful, Servant'
Will that call fall upon me?
Sigh.
Sigh.
Lack of faith.
Lack of everything.
Yet, a promise for fullness of life.
The journey has started.
This is the real starting point.
Long way to go. It's a journey towards Ithaca
Enjoy the trip, let the destination come
Just when it has to;
Don't miss out, what's in between.

The sister's voice

My mother called me downstairs; it was prayer time. And I had been on the net for a while, but she had arrived in Cyber town, only 5 minutes ago.

"I have to go, chech."

"ok.... omg ...... I so miss talking to you...." she said and I could feel her missing me.

My sister who's countries away now. The only person who mothers me, the only person next beside whom I feel so mothered, and not uncomfortable. It sort of surpirsed me to hear her say that first.

" That means a lot to me:-)", I said, feeling my heart grow warm.


It wasn't often I heard it from her. It really did mean a lot to me. Her loving me was very important, because it gave me security; knowing that someone would correct you and had no qualms in not mincing words to tell me that I was doing something stupid, or for not keeping in touch with her. She had that special right which very, very few people have, or have assumed, like her.

She always listened me out. Every single bit, however long it was. Right from when I was 16.



"I reaaally love you......................................."








":-) me too, chech"





The love was just flowing. I had always felt second fiddle, never worth to be her brother. Because I wasn't as regular in calling her up, or turning up at her place on her birthday. I did make it a point to call. And meet her when she was down. But to know again, yet again, that she loved me so much, that she loved listening to me was reassuring. It cooled my heart; a special effect only people like her had. An elder sister.





"......you know that, rt?......" She continued, as if to reassure me.




She knew how to make people feel loved. And she knows how much I love her. And that was a special time. To know that someone loves you so deeply, although they know how stupid you can be, at times. She knows all my stupidity and she's seen me growing up. "You sound so mature", she told me once, 2 years ago, I think. "Is that good or bad?" , I asked, a tad anxiously. "No, it's good. You've just grown up, that's all."






"I do. I really do", I said, keeping my emotions in check, and hearing my mother call again.






"Hope to see you around soon...."




I was so happy inside. A special kind of happpiness where you maintain composure and feel that touch deep inside your heart. The effect which constant, genuine love alone could bring; only a sister to her little brother.

The muse of the midnight

I am attending a camp today.

It's 1:23 am and I must sleep soon. But there! I opened a tab to create a new blog post. It is not because I am addicted, which I might become if my connection was an unlimited-use one, it is because, I feel the need to tweak the blog, or read through old mails, check out new apps on the web, specially when I have crossed the usage limit. I even postponed a chat with my relative/friend, stating that I had crossed the line ( the net-usage line, friends).

There is a thrill going beyond what you must not. I felt it even while I was flashing away on my father's scooter. You shouldn't go beyond 60 kmph, but I keep doing it. It's too slow otherwise, I feel. There is a thrill in going beyond what stops you. Does creativity spark better there? Do you learn more then?

A thrill need not be the right thing. It need not help you at all, beyond the momentary feeling of it. And surely, it displays a complete lack of discipline. An inability to restrain yourself.
Success in life also depends on self-control. where you curb your wish to indulge and tread the path to short-term happiness, if it is happiness at all.

Crash.

That's where your life will be , at the end of it.

Go to sleep.

A quiet time.

Joe sat down for a quiet time.

"Can you bring me some water?"

"Ok." He goes fetches water for his mother. He goes back and sits down to read again

"Turn the stove off, please."

He goes again. (Phew!)

He is back to sit and read one of those books which he suddenly found interesting and gets even more gripping every time he si called to do something.

"Open the gate", growls dad.

He fetches the keys and opens the gate. then he takes hold of his book again. You might find him lightly gritting his teeth. (Is it bending? Would I need braces?)

He sits with his book, yet again and nods his head from side to side realising his patience wearing away.

"Joe"

He keeps silent.

"Joe . . ."

The voice grows louder. Joe sits where he is pretending to read.

"Joe!"

A feeling of indignation in the voice heard from down stairs.

Silence.

Joe can't read anymore. He keeps the book down and goes to find out what the latest need is.

You can't do only what you like every day of your life. Sometimes, or many a times, you just have to do things you don't like doing. One of the reasons you need to, is that many people did that when you weren't ab;e to do it yourself. There was a lot of sacrifice behind what you are and where you are today.

( I owe it to them. I must.)

Joe's tired. But he'll answer the call, nonetheless.

Apologies

Hello,

I just wanted to apologise for the post "Jabber, when I hate it". My li'l sis raised a doubt- whether I was fine after reading that. The very next time I read it I was taken aback at the different ways in which that post could be read! What a danger. There was a even a reference which applied generally to girls ( which I noticed only the second time, because it was a comment on the person about whom the post was written), which sounded even chauvinistic and I take back all of that.
1. Counsellors ought to be more responsible.
2. You can't just put up a general statement without affecting people, even if unintended.
3. If you still say stuff like that, man, you ought to get a better grip of your life.

I apologise for the negative statement about women on the post and take it back. Kindly excuse me.

And thanks to li'l sis for making me think! Expecting the same in the future.

By the way, the person, whom the post was about, doesn't even know that this blog exists.

The answer will never be

Why?

Why did you appear?

It hurts.

But I do love you.

6 months isn't a too long a time to get to know and become friends.

I just like you.

But you hurt me.

I'll still be here.

"You are dumb". "Oh, I am dumb!"

Why one will never be able to express oneself.
There are always restrictions. Some are self-imposed, some are external. It's only because you have to care for the feelings of others. You have the freedom of speech. But the tongue can be the most lethal weapon which inflicts psychological wounds which pierce the brain and stay there forever. Most times, what's said can't be taken back without a scar. It is true especially in the case of children according to studies. If they are taught that they are dumb, they grow up with the impression that they are dumb.

To the shores beyond

She called to say farewell

As she turned a new leaf;

'I want you to keep praying for me'.

The rails would take her

To the shores of a life new;

With the past behind her,

And faith like a mustard seed

With the forgiveness of

The merciful Father

She moves

To the shores beyond.

Fear grips her

My phone rings...

She pours her heart out

'I am scared, my dearest!'

But go she must -

To learn, to reflect

To further her horizons

To follow her heart's dreams

Away from the shackles that bound;

For a purposeful life

And with the Lord on her side

All she needs to do is,

Believe.

Easier said than done

For, a world of evil waits out there,

Seamless

She embarks on a new voyage

Given up her old self;

'I don't want mama crying

Nor my daddy's tears...

Though I am not close to them

I still love them'

(I just don't express)

Bags are being packed

Assurances are poured down

'When I think I can't handle it

I'll just give you a call,

How I wish you were there,

And I hope against hope ,

That you'll find work there.'

***

The phone calls lasted long

With stories on one end ,

Twisted with guilt and fear,

And on the other ,

A patient listening ear.

They went straight to my mind

Which said,

What a beautiful person now!

What a faithful heart!

How great a faith founded

A change that was made to last!

She gives me hope.

In a heart so tender

A faith that is yet slender

Still promising to stand by,

Her loving Saviour King.

'Your zeal for Him

Seems unmatchable',

Said I once; She replied,

'I've wronged,

But now I know God,

And I don't want to change,'

With a smile that melted my heart

Hearing the tender hearted faith

Of a real human being,

Who was once fallen on her knees

But now found hope.

Fear lingers

But I'll cheer her

As she completes every lap,

Fighting the dark knights

Of gossip and slander,

Dashing forward

With a zeal like never before,

To share the love and hope

Her Saviour's put in her heart

And one day she'll stand firm footed

Perhaps hand in hand,

With another tender hearted warrior

Embarking on another journey

To share what they received;

And I will still stand and cheer

The brave woman of faith

Who lived her all, His way

From the moment

The Lord touched her.

I will be here.

Riding the midnight as the bird touched down

My friend writes fantastically. As I read how he described our travel I felt, that's almost just how I experienced it, nearly there.
We had an adventurous ride, which happened only because he insisted. I had a goal, he made the way and we enjoyed together. That piece of prose lies here in his blog.
Some people have gifted friends.

The alien 2

I'm tired. Yet I see my perpective changin. I'll wait upon the Lord and see. He will surely not delay.

The alien.

Has anyone felt alien among the people or culture one belongs to? Being n Kerala right now, I can’t help say that I feel that way. Although I belong to this state, I feel like I don’t belong here. I’m risking people’s wrath and ridicule when I say that because I have heard elders accuse people saying “ He went to Bangalore for some years and now he says he doesn’t belong here.” At the moment I don’t care. I am not shamed, mind you. But I don’t feel like this is my culture or this is the kind of people I want to be identified with. It doesn’t happen when I think of everyone, it just happens when I see the way the administration of the state is carried out, the state of affairs, the attitude of many people, some illogical customs, things which I call narrow-mindedness … I have a list. Many things are good here. At the same time a lot of things frustrate me. I just can’t imagine living here all my life. I envision a multi-cultural environment which is a little more broad-minded, at least, more than here.

This is not a utopian dream for a peaceful society. Just a feeling of alienation. This doesn’t mean that I feel like aI belong to Bangalore hundred percent. I just don’t feel like this is mine. The society around me. This feeling of ownership. Not at all. It’s at a Nadir. The lowest I have ever felt. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like the whole lot,. I like many, respect many and love many more. The set of people where I feel I belong to, feel that heart’s connection to themselves are Malayalees (people at church and youth league).

Standing inside an auto rickshaw

It was raining.
Really bad.
Surprisingly I never got irritated with it.
I got wet.
I was going for a wedding reception.
Had to catch an auto to the venue.
The seats and the driver and the whole machine was wet.
Didn't want to wet my bottom, so I stood in the auto.
Auto-wreck-show.
വെറുതെ

diggin into the world of blogs

It was great reading my pals' blogs on Sweden and their experiences in Norway. You live the life with them through the stories, especially because you can relate to all that they go through. a range of emotions come tumbling down, right from excitement, anxiety, jealousy, happiness, sadness of missing the place and people . . . It's great. Isn't it funny how just words written by someone where across the globe can evoke emotions in a person sitting miles away? That too just words, not even the person talking. An indelible mark by the person, somewhere. In this regard it is indirect, still it play with your emotions. Imagine the power of words when spoken directly. Psychology and social workers talk endlessly about the need to be careful of what one speaks, as it can have an unexpected effect on those listening. Especially children, as they grow up, when their personalities and conscience are being formed.

It's great to sit in a corner of the world and read a blog from among the millions up on the net.

Two becoming one TWO

I met her again. She is married now. I found it somehow comfortable and uncomfortable to see it that way. They both stood in a shop in the forum while I got in.
["You are happy to see that I didn't run away right?" She asked me with a giggle. "He actually was thinking what he would do when someone would come and tell that the girl was not coming!!! Ha ha ha ...," laughed the girl who had given it thoughts to run away.]

They are leaving tomorrow. To a place where she never wanted to go, leaving the girls who loved her in the darkness of a small Indian state where she was working.

"They really were interested to see the kind of work I did and wanted to do more, ya. Good, no? " She said with a twinkle in her eyes.
"You've done a hel lot of work among those people. They need people with a heart like yours, there," I said.
"So I'll get a job, alle?
"What's the question! I'm sure you will."

That was beautiful. She was thinking. And she has changed now. She is changing and she will change for him.

See, I told you she loved him. The girl I have known for 8 years now, wasn't so stone hearted, as wanyone would have thought. And the man is a gentleman. Somehow I picked up some tension and discomfort on his face. May be because he knew that we would be talking about this. But he knew me and my place and always gave a me a place. A perfect gentleman. They are lucky to have each other.

When they told me about their life together in front of that beautiful church 7 years ago, I wasn't shocked as I had doubts already. But when they told me that they had been together for 2 years, THAT shocked me. Well kept secret! At that point, I never expected so many twists and turns in their life. But, today, as then, they always based it in a relationship with the almighty and full of love. Many ups and downs later, the wedding bells rang.

The first wedding which I attended that made me so happy. I've never felt that joy at the end of any other wedding. Two friends of mine, who knew me well and were very good friends of mine - first time in my life.

I am still so happy for you, you guys. God bless you in the overseas (even if the seas roll again) and in the future. Praying for you both.

Two becoming one

"I don't love him. You must think it's funny and want to slap me."
The little girl at the door-step of marriage said.
She once loved him deeply. She was convinced.
Today, I am sure she loves him. But, questions remain.
A new actor appeared on stage. His role wasn't in the script which was written many years ago. But he played his part, a major part, and left. It was devastatnig when he did that though. An unscripted character leaving a delible mark.
The show must go on. "Should it?", she asked me. It was a tough situation.
I said it must. Not because that's what everyone at this point would do.
Because she loved him, deeply. He loves her, beyond words. She loves him, I know.
But she's a little shocked. Life can't be this way. You shouldn't have to chose this much. Losing track of what's happening around.
A hand squeeze. Think about it, pray about it. I'll always be around if you need to talk to someone.
I never condemned her. Somehow. She has a special place.

"Things are better. I feel comfortable around him. he understood when I spoke to him and he said he'll give me time. "
Wonderful.
He's a gentleman. And he deserves a great girl like her. Given the many years of them having been together, it is no surprise that they should reach the page where the wedding bells sound. And that's what happened. As always, he took extra care to make it an unforgettable wedding for the both of them.
I am sure, it will be a happily ever after, with a few fights in between like everyone.
For, "The wind plays the music; for the song of their oneness, God wrote the lyrics."

HEAR, O ISRAEL, CURSED WILL YOU BE!

I STRONGLY AND VEHEMENTLY CONDEMN YOUR ATTACKS ON THE GAZA STRIP, O ISRAEL. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO DO SO AND YOU ARE KILLING FAMILIES. YOU HAVE STOOPED DOWN TO A LEVEL WHERE YOU SEND ROCKETS INTO CROWDED MARKETS AND EVEN UNIVERSITIES. SHAME ON YOU! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ALMIGHTY IS GOING TO DO WITH YOU, FOR ALL THE CHOSEN RACE TALK. THE PUNISHMENT UPON YOU BE HEAVY AND CURSED. I HOPE THE INNOCENT ONES ARE SAVED BUT ALL OF YOU BEHIND THIS WILL EAT PUNISHMENT HANDED OVER BY THE JUDGEMENT OF THE LORD OF HOSTS.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS!
AND YOU, THE UNITED STATES, SUPPORTING THIS ATTACK WITH F16S AND ARMS PROVISION, GREATER BE THE PUNISHMENT ON YOU, YOU WARMONGER! IN THE NAME OF HUMANITARIANISM AND DEMOCARCY AND PEACE OU DESTROY NATIONS PERMANENTLY AND LOOT THEM SHAMELESSLY. SHAME ON YOU AND ALL THOSE WHO VOTED FOR YOU.
WAR IS WRONG, WAR IS INHUMAN, WAR IS EVIL AND WAR IS VIOLATION.
ISRAEL, STOP.

Calm before the storm

The sea is calm;
Calmer than usual,
Earlier, when the sky darkens,
And the clouds growl
The sea would rise,
Hoping to wipe them away;
Hoping to mute the noise;
Which turned it turbulent!
Today the sea is calm.
It makes the sailors curious...
The sea can't be so calm.
History has plenty of instances,
To show how men have been fooled
Still...
Could it be?
What does the sea say?
It just flows, sending it's currents to differnt regions;
There is no stopping in it's way.
Big fish, little fish, they all are taking in the calm
Not worried about shelter or quakes,
For the God of the sea has proved powerful
And powerful enought to calm any sea
As ever.